I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
