The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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