oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
