Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
