dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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