I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
