anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Randomize
