I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
