I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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