He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
