I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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