those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
