I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
