your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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