I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
