i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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