Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
