After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
There was a lot of him and a little penis
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
