I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
