hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
