Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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