I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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