Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
