He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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