I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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