he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
