whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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