Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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