Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
