If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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