he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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