This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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