Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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