I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
