I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
