Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
