Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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