Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
