Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
