I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
