I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
