i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
