i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
