Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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