So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
