i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
