i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Im part way to drunk.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
