this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
