I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
