im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
